I was baptised as a Catholic when I was a baby. Cradle Catholics, we call ourselves. Having an intimate relationship with God was not my experience growing up. My growing up years were difficult. I came from a broken family and didn’t have a good relationship with the male members of my immediate family. That contributed to how I saw God and related to him.
However, over the last few months, The prodigal father has run down my road and embraced me – forgiven and restored me to my rightful place – to be his son and by his side. He is showing me who he really is and is restoring my heart and my family. He is pouring out his love, words, affection, affirmation, and validation over me. There have been so many tears that I’m beginning to think that the number of tears I have shed the last few months are more than the tears I have shed in the last 10 years.
There have been tears of joy. Great joy. But also tears of sorrow.
One aspect of the journey that God is taking me on, I was initially fully willing to participate in. But over time, it has proven to be really hard.
It is the journey of pain and of mourning
Throughout this time, the Lord brought me to various places in my past. Places and memories long forgotten. Memories of brokenness, of woundings. Memories of my childhood where I was neglected and left to fend for myself. Memories of my childhood where I was only loved if I did X-Y-Z. Each time I would allow him to take me where he wanted and let him speak His truth. The only truth I desperately needed. I would find healing and restoration in this process.
This process happened more than a few times. There have been times where I mourned and felt the pain of a certain aspect of my youth over a period of a few days. After a while, it was getting too much and I started pulling away from the process of pain. I didn’t want to experience pain anymore, I was asking Him to just bypass the pain. Essentially, I was asking, “Can I have the joy without the pain, please?”
In His grace, He showed me that the reason for the pain is so that He can go deep.
Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being. Ps 51:6a
Getting the truth deep into my being involves this process of pain. I then wondered about the reason for the sometimes drawn out ongoing process. What is the whole purpose of all these processes? God opened my eyes to the idea of knowing or recovering my story.
Ever since the fall, God’s perfect story of your life (Ps 139:16) has been hijacked and used against you. Either by the flesh, the world, the evil one and his kingdom. What was meant for so much good has been abused by evil to distort the view of a loving and perfect Father. What was meant to be a childhood filled with wonder and play and delight from the Father has been instead used to mar the child heart in many. What was meant to be days of adventure and belonging has been instead used for addiction and isolation. What was meant for relationships filled with beauty and intimacy has been abused for idolatry and sexual promiscuity.We live in a broken world and we know this all too well.
You see, your life is a story that is a part of a larger story where God is the author. He has written and is writing a really big and epic story and you have a part to play. Through living in a broken world, our lives have been targeted and assaulted and have now indeed, include brokenness. Facing and understanding the brokenness in our story will help us to understand where and how one fits into the larger story.
This is the first of a three-part entry about recovering God’s story for our lives. Stay tuned for the next one, coming up soon.